Male role models

Conducted another 3-day workshop at JKR 2 weeks ago. More charming personalities and more remarkable moments for my treasure trove of memories and I thank God again for the opportunity, at this stage of my life, to experience the expandable joy of teaching. It is work and it comes with the necessary amount of stress in any objective-driven task, but it revs up my energy to design and perform. To keep myself stimulated, I need to not only dig into my stored resources, but also to stay current and replenish. So giving back doesn’t deplete but adds fuel for regrowth.

I’ve always noticed how mothers become the recurrent subject when we discuss vocabulary on character and personality. Usually 70% of the class (ages 25 and above) are women. When writing or talking about role models or one’s most unforgettable personality, they are quick to cite their mothers and would go into vivid details about their mother’s qualities and sacrifices with genuine pride. Some of the men do too. Like one wholesome character in this JKR group, an engineer in his early 40s, who reminisced being “a dark-skinned unattractive boy running around the village, fishing and rearing ducks and chicken with my mother, and gardening too”. All of which has nurtured his love of nature, being today ardent about bonsai gardening, scuba diving and fishing. No mention was made of a father figure. I guess he used to go fishing with his friends. In one workshop, after a round of praises for mothers, I even asked all the men which parent they were closer too. All of them said they were closer to their mother, though one retracted to say he was equally close to both parents. Of course there is the occasional tribute to a father or an uncle.

Given the typical scenario where fathers go out to earn income and mothers stay home to rear the children and keep house, it is hardly surprising that the men and women in my class have their mothers closest to their hearts. Bless them too as “syurga terletak dibawah telapak kaki ibu”. However, it has been at least 2 generations since double-income families have emerged as women too leave home to work, leaving the children with their grandparents, maids or other child-minders. Yet I know I will continue to receive more endearing poems and stories about mothers, rather than fathers, from my students.

Obviously the children acknowledge the multiple roles their mothers take on. Gloria Steinem, writer and feminist activist, have been quoted..”I’ve yet to be on a campus where most women weren’t worrying about some aspect of combining marriage, children and a career. I’ve yet to find one where many men were worrying about the same thing”. She has been criticized as being deluded in thinking that she represents the views of all women, but it is hard to dismiss most of what she says, for instance, “Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry”. Was she also alluding to something like “Some of us are becoming the men their husbands are supposed to be”? 

Lamenting on the rising social ills like domestic violence, child kidnapping, incest and rape, Asha Gill in her column “A singular life” (Star 2, Wed 6 Feb, 2013) appealed for good male role models for our boys, “someone around regularly enough to imprint the value and importance of becoming a real man…to teach them to fight, protect, laugh, cry and love..” She suggested the need for more men teaching in kindergartens and schools, more male nurses and community counselors, for our men to devote more time and energy in parenting. Echoing Steinem, she said “The Women have struggled for too long alone and now we need our Men to join us”. At the centre of her concern is her son LM (Little Man). My heart goes out to her and what she wants for LM, I too want  for Alman who is turning out to be a strong willed little man himself.

My own father was a man of substance who lived a simple life. He taught me the meaning of sacrifice and everything I stand for today, he instilled in me. While mother nursed the younger ones and did the household chores he was around to teach and watch over as often as he could. I am glad I was inspired to preserve my memories of him in “Abah’s legacy” as Alman needs to know his great grandfather, my beloved role model.