Male role models

Conducted another 3-day workshop at JKR 2 weeks ago. More charming personalities and more remarkable moments for my treasure trove of memories and I thank God again for the opportunity, at this stage of my life, to experience the expandable joy of teaching. It is work and it comes with the necessary amount of stress in any objective-driven task, but it revs up my energy to design and perform. To keep myself stimulated, I need to not only dig into my stored resources, but also to stay current and replenish. So giving back doesn’t deplete but adds fuel for regrowth.

I’ve always noticed how mothers become the recurrent subject when we discuss vocabulary on character and personality. Usually 70% of the class (ages 25 and above) are women. When writing or talking about role models or one’s most unforgettable personality, they are quick to cite their mothers and would go into vivid details about their mother’s qualities and sacrifices with genuine pride. Some of the men do too. Like one wholesome character in this JKR group, an engineer in his early 40s, who reminisced being “a dark-skinned unattractive boy running around the village, fishing and rearing ducks and chicken with my mother, and gardening too”. All of which has nurtured his love of nature, being today ardent about bonsai gardening, scuba diving and fishing. No mention was made of a father figure. I guess he used to go fishing with his friends. In one workshop, after a round of praises for mothers, I even asked all the men which parent they were closer too. All of them said they were closer to their mother, though one retracted to say he was equally close to both parents. Of course there is the occasional tribute to a father or an uncle.

Given the typical scenario where fathers go out to earn income and mothers stay home to rear the children and keep house, it is hardly surprising that the men and women in my class have their mothers closest to their hearts. Bless them too as “syurga terletak dibawah telapak kaki ibu”. However, it has been at least 2 generations since double-income families have emerged as women too leave home to work, leaving the children with their grandparents, maids or other child-minders. Yet I know I will continue to receive more endearing poems and stories about mothers, rather than fathers, from my students.

Obviously the children acknowledge the multiple roles their mothers take on. Gloria Steinem, writer and feminist activist, have been quoted..”I’ve yet to be on a campus where most women weren’t worrying about some aspect of combining marriage, children and a career. I’ve yet to find one where many men were worrying about the same thing”. She has been criticized as being deluded in thinking that she represents the views of all women, but it is hard to dismiss most of what she says, for instance, “Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry”. Was she also alluding to something like “Some of us are becoming the men their husbands are supposed to be”? 

Lamenting on the rising social ills like domestic violence, child kidnapping, incest and rape, Asha Gill in her column “A singular life” (Star 2, Wed 6 Feb, 2013) appealed for good male role models for our boys, “someone around regularly enough to imprint the value and importance of becoming a real man…to teach them to fight, protect, laugh, cry and love..” She suggested the need for more men teaching in kindergartens and schools, more male nurses and community counselors, for our men to devote more time and energy in parenting. Echoing Steinem, she said “The Women have struggled for too long alone and now we need our Men to join us”. At the centre of her concern is her son LM (Little Man). My heart goes out to her and what she wants for LM, I too want  for Alman who is turning out to be a strong willed little man himself.

My own father was a man of substance who lived a simple life. He taught me the meaning of sacrifice and everything I stand for today, he instilled in me. While mother nursed the younger ones and did the household chores he was around to teach and watch over as often as he could. I am glad I was inspired to preserve my memories of him in “Abah’s legacy” as Alman needs to know his great grandfather, my beloved role model.   

   

Road less taken

On his second day home for holidays recently, Izaz came back after a ‘minum’ session with his bosom buddies (most likely at Susie’s corner, Red stall or Kadiaq) looking somewhat down. In his usual straightforward manner, he told me that his friends gave him an earful about his plan to stay on in Melbourne for another 2 years. At the moment, it would mean continuing on as a barista at 2 specialty coffee restaurants, jobs that he had taken during his final semester and that have given him his first sweet taste of financial independence. He first got his barista training and stint in KL while on a year leave from studies and has acquired a passion for the coffee business since.

   

‘When are you going to be serious?’

‘When are you going to join the corporate sector like us and start building your career?’

‘Don’t you think about marriage and having children?’

‘Don’t you think you should start networking?’

These were some of the questions lunged at him without any hint of curiosity about his work and what his actual plans were. I guess he was taken aback by their lack of interest in how he had fared in the last 18 months since they parted as, in actual fact, the period marked a significant milestone in his life. Amidst the completion of his degree studies, he had learnt to earn a living and to understand the meaning of self-empowerment. 

He could understand their point of view and the trappings that go with it. Such are the normative expectations at home immediately after one graduates…..get a regular job, a car, get married and start a family and so on. And soon enough one would be caught up in the rat race. He appreciated their concern, but I guess he wanted so much to share his recent experiences with them. The way they have shared the discoveries of their childhood and adolescent years.

It always tends to get lonely on the roads less taken. You’d have to have self-conviction and a strong resolve to meet the challenges of going against the flow. You have nothing to prove to anyone but  yourself of the worthiness of your venture. You may have clearcut objectives and ideas of what you want to achieve along, or at the end of, your journey. Perhaps you’d leave it to serendipity to lead you to new shores, greater heights. A corporate job would be more stable, more predictable. 

I was recently drawn to a recent article in the newspaper in which the writer pointed out the importance of knowing which doors are open and closed to you, and when, and which doors will never be open for you due to lack of talent, money or social capital. And that one should walk away from closed doors and move on. If passion had led Izaz into that open door on which he knocked many times to enter, now he knows that the blood, sweat and tears from that passion are making him stay inside. For he is immersed in everything behind the coffee culture – the beans, the recipe, the business, the work ethics, service quality, customer relations. And he has spoken to me about the career progression and options in the profession. Customers decide your rise and fall, so you are on your toes all the time. A corporate job would be more comfortable, more accommodating.

There was a time when Izaz was too shy to even give his orders to the waiter and he’d get nervous each time one of us would be up on stage singing or something. He’d grown out of that, of course, but is generally more introverted than otherwise though he can be a good conversationalist when he doesn’t mind talking instead of just listening. What he says, and how he says it, can make me burst out laughing sporadically. Working as a barista, he seems to enjoy seeing his customers return and getting to know them. As he told cousin Izi who was contemplating on taking a waitressing job…’Go for it, it will improve your communication skills.’ Companies pay a lot for staff training on communication skills in the corporate sector. The courses run from a day to two usually.

As long as you don’t dread that 20-minute train ride in the cold morning, anxious to be at work on time, do not feel the muscle strain in your arms while churning out the orders and appreciate the workout you get from carrying the hefty coffee bean bags, you know the adrenaline’s flowing. Just as I knew you’d never lose the gumption for computers when I saw you once, at 14, lying face down sideways with tears streaming to the floor in frustration over not being able to grasp C++ programming on your own. I had bought all the books you wanted and sent you to courses what-have-you. You would complete a story book in a single night just so you could get the latest issue of ‘electronic games monthly’ (our deal). You were fascinated by William, my office IT administrator, and wanted to know his profile, what kind of problems I would go to him for and how he would answer me, even his favourite colour, etc, etc! Gosh, you were hilarious…we had a good laugh in the office over that. Talk about passion…you had ground that out too. So I know the IT degree will find its place in your life someday. You’ll know when to enter that open door. Perhaps now you need a break from it all. As long as the happiness in those cuppas you serve bounces back to you, stay. And whatever career you eventually choose, I pray that it would indeed be your vocation too so the commitment would be total.  

So take only the positive side of what the critics have to say and rebut when you are not in your laid-back mood. A debate can be healthy. Staying mum is ok too…..’silence is golden’, says the wise one. The important thing is to live our moments consciously. Meanwhile I look forward to sms on your little coffee shop anecdotes. My favourite is about the Italian guy who drank your espresso silently and left a twenty dollar bill for you. Yeah, silence is golden….more often than not.         

Alman meets Angkejah

Izaz arrived  home on 21^st March, 10 days before Alman’s first birthday. It was a long awaited for holiday. Seeing Izaz for the first time, Alman gave him a cool, though not unfriendly welcome, at the door that cheery morning. It didn’t take long, however, for him to start returning smiles and responding to his uncle’s teasings. In fact, by the second day, he could complete the third syllable in “uncle jaz” with “jah”. Of course, we had to adapt it to Alman’s current accent….Angkejah.

Soon Alman was checking up Angkejah’s hairy legs, touching his face and rolling all over him to cross over to the other side on the carpet . Even doing his cute numbers to attract his attention. Having Angkejah at Alman’s little birthday do at Opah’s was as exciting as blowing the candle on the birthday cake and more than made up for the party and balloons we decided not to put up after all this time. The birthday cake was banana cake with white chocolate and pralines. It was the wedding cake, from the same home bakery, that many missed on July 9^th 2011. It was just as fabulous as before and this time Alman got to taste his first cake...he couldn’t stop grinning and smacking his lips.

Two weeks passed by all too quickly. Alman can already say ‘ba-bah’ when Ankejah left last Thursday and stayed cool when we fussed around taking a few pictures together in the garden. Considering the heat of the morning sun and the fact that he was beginning to fret for milk earlier, Alman must be sending a message like ‘I’ll miss you, Angkejah’ in his own way. 

Angkejah brought back a perfect present for Alman..a light projector that creates a starry strarry night in his bedroom with soothing nature sounds. He never fails to be amazed each time it is switched on before he snuggles into his nook…but now he suckles in all kinds of fancy positions and tosses and tumbles before he gives in to slumber.

By the time Alman gets to see Angkejah in Melbourne, he should already be allowed to munch a muffin at Sensory Lab or Reverence Specialty Coffee & Tea. Not old enough yet for coffee but one thing for sure he will insist (nak,nak,nak) on helping Angkejah wipe the coffee machines! For that seems to be his passion now…..wiping walls, furniture and floors the way Kak Mus does.